Self Portrait: One Tough Chick

Although I am  not feeling well at all today -- I find such inspiration in the cards and notes that everyone has been sending me.  It is so nice to hear from everyone and when the mail comes --- I smile and feel such love and hope from all my friends and family.  I received today a really cool cap from Joyce (One tough chick) --- following my GI Jane theme....  and this awesome card from Amanda and her kids ----

It is the bald theme lately, as the "blonde hair" is hot and a little itchy and uncomfortable to wear all the time...  I got these really cool caps made from Halo from Road Runner Sports (made for runners to keep the sweat out of their eyes) and I think they are so awesome and comfortable and I don't have to look at myself bald in the mirror.  It is such an odd look to see yourself with NO hair -- with a tan face and a white skin bald head.  We did shave it down a little more despite warnings of infection, but it looks so much better.  

Experiencing a fever and "migrane" like headaches last night and this morning was completely debilitating.  First time I have felt that bad through this whole thing.  I try to sleep and rest and just can't relax to get rid of it completely -- hoping that with some rest tonight I will be better in the morning.  Hoping chocolate chip cookies will help!  :)  I really don't like going to the doctor -- hate admitting that I am at all weak.  So back to hydration and eating whatever food will hopefully give me some energy and get some extra needed rest.

Back to the NO hair theme --- loved the cards today!
"If people ask why you're wearing a SCARF on your head and you say it's because you're a pirate...  They'll have NO follow up question!"  :)  (From Eden, Maren LaKier)  :)

Advantages of Losing Your Hair:
1. Elimates Bed Head
2. Can be a "Shining" Example to others
3. No Need for expensive hair products
4. Takes off years, because you look more like your baby photo.
5. Gray hair?  What gray hair?  :)
And the number one advantage of losing your hair...   More places to be kissed.  :)
(From Joyce)

Love it!

Here is my self portrait photo below.  The photography challenges have me working on my photog skills and this is one of the exercises.

After 2 rounds of CHEMO and getting ready for the Mass General Trip next week -- 2 - 10 hour days in the hospital -- not looking forward to it, but I am sure we will get through it fine.

I am adding on to this with a few more of my self portrait pieces.  They all just look better in black & white (and not with a smile) --- must be my mood.  It was fun to play with the photo editing to add some extra affect to these photos.  :)

 Thanks for stopping by - please leave a comment! I love to hear from all of you!

The Many Looks of Nancy

Jeff & Judy asked if we would take my photo with the many wigs that I tried on at the Pink Petal.  Check out the slide show and you can vote on your favorite!  Comment here and let me know what you liked and didn't like.  There were many that we did NOT like.... so I will not be offended.  It was fun to try on all the looks!  :)

Free slideshow generated with Smilebox

 

VOTE TODAY!  :)

Tshirt Sayings of Empowerment & Strength

Thanks for stopping by and checking in.... I am doing much better this morning, last night was rough.  Schuyler had a tough reaction to my wig and lack of hair.  He really wanted me to hang on to that short tuff of hair (that was FALLING out and was too much for me to manage).  We calmed him down, let him cried, cried with him a little and talked to him about when the hair will come back and that we can get a wig that will help mommy look like mommy again. He wasn't so keen on the blonde wig.  But I explained to him it could be so much worse, I could feel really sick.  I could be incapacitated and not be able to do the things I love to do.  But it is tough not having hair, I don't want to look "sick" - I want to be normal.  Having no hair is not normal.  But --- the new "hair" is fun in its own way --- I just need to get used to it.  I am ordering some beanies from Road Runner sports that will help being able to wear hats  - - and hopefully bring a little more normalcy to the house.  Be strong - it won't be long....  I will have hair again.  I just need a little strength sometimes, and prayers, and need to cry, just to get it out......  and keep healing.

Back to something fun....

Here is another post from the Pink Petal and there will be a few more to come.... but this is dedicated to all the tshirts that Donna has on sale at the Pink Petal.  I smiled, felt empowered, felt warmth and felt strong as I looked at all she had to offer.  I love to take photos of fun and empowering shirts on my other blog,(LINK HERE TO Tshirt sayings on Mountain of Dreams) and thought how cool it would be to share with you all these shirts and what they have to say about fighting cancer and have some fun with it!  A little humor goes a LONG way.  These shirts have been worn at senior centers, shopping malls, Relay For Life events and just give the battle a whole new look!

Mostly these are for females & breast cancer survivors, but they have such a strong message!  Please leave a comment and tell me which one is YOUR favorite?  :)

Enjoy!  :)  And smile!  :)

Gone Blonde!

 I have found that if you love life, life will love you back ♥

It has been an emotional day.  

Great doc appointment with Dr. Mullally this morning, blood tests ---- getting ready for RCHOP #2.  Organized my treatment schedule and took the day off from work and from running.  Rest is so important for health.  Right up there with nutrition and hydration!  

So here is a little ditty --- I am Happy it is Friday, I am Happy my LUMPS are gone, I am Happy & in love more than ever with my sweet husband who shaved my head today!  

HAPPY

H = Drinking water is so important for healing    Hydration = Healing

A = Alpurinol = drug that helped the "junk" get out of my kidneys

P = Prednisone = Bananas really help the cramps & side effects from this drug

P = Pink Petal = Donna is amazing!

Y = Yes, I AM ALIVE and kicking harder than ever!

We did NOT have a shaving party --- so I am bringing the experience to you on Smilebox (trying it out for the first time and Hoops & Yoyo is my fave).... SO here you go.  My sweet husband Steve has been there through all the tears and smiles and anguish and anxiety and has truly helped me tough this thing out!  Enjoy it --- freaky for me to experience, and my head feels like a pin cushion of stubble.....  really hard to explain and no you don't really want to experience this.  I definitely never wanted to --- but here I am larger than life in my own slideshow.

(Experiencing technical difficulties - found out Smilebox does not work on Safari)  Will post before / during / after photos below too.  :)


Hit the green arrow to go forward and escape to finish the show.  Hoops & Yoyo have their own routine.
Enjoy!  hee hee

This digital slideshow created with Smilebox

I cried a couple times and getting used to the wig, bangs in my face, wondering if everyone looking at me knew I was wearing a wig.  I think I fooled a couple people that I just got my hair colored and I really believe they don't know it is a wig.  Crazy.  Getting used to the stubble on my head is very weird indeed....   

Steve has been the most amazing caregiver!  This is true love when he can actually shave my head and then just absolutely love my new hair !!  He can't take his eyes off me... :)  

Truly - Madly - Deeply

In every sense of the words! 

More photos of todays experience..... highlights from the show!

Before

During: 

After!

Please leave a note if you stopped by!  Hope you like the new me!  Or at least the new me for the next 6 months!

Going - going - almost gone!

Here it is --- and this is just what I have been brushing out.
It's getting everywhere and its disgusting.  :(  It clings to my clothes and it is really tough to wash my hair, which is what happened today ---- it started coming out in droves!  :(

It's going fast and I think it is almost time to shave it off.  Have you heard of others that have had a party to celebrate shaving their heads?  If I could drink wine that may be fun, but I can't --- it tastes horrible, which is sad too....  :(

We go to Pink Petal tomorrow to pick up the wig, so if this gets worse, the shave treatment will be this weekend or early next week.  Sorry to be such a downer in this post, I am usually so up, but this is just yucky!

Pink Petal should be an upper thought --- after I get some blood tests before RCHOP #2 on Monday & Tuesday next week.  Donna at the Pink Petal is always such an upper, I am looking forward to seeing her and talking with her and getting my new blonde wig!  HA!  :)  My friend Judy is so happy I am going blonde....  it is going to be fun to try on all the styles and colors....  I promise to take photos.  It will be a happier, more uplifting post than that pile of hair above!

Yuck.

Oh despair - I am losing my hair - EVERYWHERE!

Sending my donation of hair to Pantene Great Lengths today -- I wrote a nice letter thanking them for their great work in making a difference in the lives of child cancer survivors.  It is a great feeling knowing that my hair is going to them and their great work at Pantene.  :)

Thought I would post a little hair poem today because I am still experiencing hair coming from my head, so much I hate to even wash it in the shower.  :(  Oh well.  On a high side the wig is in!   Just the blonde one, the dark brown was sent in the wrong color, so we may have to wait to get that one at a different time.  Headed to Pink Petal on Friday for the fitting and I promised Jeff & Judy a fashion show with all the other wigs so you all can see me in all the different style and vote (?) for your favorite!  :)  That should be fun.  

Hair

I'm losing my hair... 

Do I really care?

Oh yes! Despair!

My hair is falling out 

EVERYWHERE!

Do I dare

Shave off my hair?

It is a scare

But to be fair

I will share

My hair

And then to clear the air

shave this hair

A wig I will wear

And the people will stop & stare

At a "new me"  :)

-Nancy Cook

Hahaha  --- Look out Dr. Seuss!  Ok so that last line didn't rhyme, but I thought I did a pretty good job eh?  My girls that I coached skiing are really great about putting together poems.  We enter our little ditties each year on Valentine's Day and win fudge from a local craft shop.  When I was a child I used to always write poetry.  Mom always made me feel so talented when I would come up something --- probably why I love to write today! 

Thanks for stopping by -- please leave a note and stay tuned as Friday should be entertaining!

Below:  Photo of my 8 inch pony tail with the letter I sent off to Pantene! :)

George Ca
Looking around I found this from George Carlin.  Pretty funny.  They also had it on You Tube.  :)  Check it out.  Hilarious.  
Funny he continued to have a pony tail until his death of heart failure in 2008.  A very very funny man.

Hair PoemHair Poem by George Carlin

I'm aware some stare at my hair. In fact, to be fair, Some really despair of my hair. But I don't care, Cause they're not aware, Nor are they devonaire. In fact, they're just square. They see hair down to there, Say, "Beware" and go off on a tear! I say, "No fair!" A head that's bare is really nowhere. So be like a bear, be fair with your hair! Show it you care. Wear it to there. Or to there. Or to there, if you dare! My wife bought some hair at a fair, to use as a spare. Did I care? Au contraire! Spare hair is fair! In fact, hair can be rare. Fred Astair got no hair, Nor does a chair, Nor nor a chocolate eclair, And where is the hair on a pear? Nowhere, mon frere! So now that I've shared this affair of the hair, I'm going to repair to my lair and use Nair, do you care?

I'm SHEDDING!

Each of us has the power to give life meaning, to make our time and our bodies 

and our words into instruments of love and hope.

 - Tom Head

Eek--- so did you ever want to know what it would feel like to lose your hair?  I didn't.  Never even crossed my mind.  And I am still partially in denial that I can go through this without crazy side effects...  and my long hair remains, and I brush it every day.  I love my long hair.  I love to curl it and get all pretty when we go out on "date nights" and when we have company or go out.  Hair is such a huge part of how you feel about yourself and I love going to the hairdresser.  It is actually kind of crazy, how I really searched for a hairdresser here in Western Mass after leaving New Hampshire, because I loved Amber so much.  She made me feel like a queen every time.  I didn't find that here for a while, until I went to Tranquility Day Spa in Florence, MA --- Maria is her name --- she is amazing and I really like going to her for a cut.  I feel like a million bucks!

So back to shedding --- last night it started, long strands of my hair started coming out of my head after my shower.  It is really horrible and sad.  Judy said it could be painful according to others she has talked too.  Well it is.  Psychologically painful that is.  I brush and it comes out, strands at a time...  I kept thinking I need to go to get a hair cut this week and cut 8 inches to be able to send to Pantene Great Lengths program where they make wigs for kids going through chemotherapy.  I would really like to do that --- 8 inches is a lot, but it is just awful to be pulling out long strands of hair and feeling them on my back and picking them up all over.  UGH.  Oakley is infamous for the immense amounts of "hair clouds" of yellow lab hair he leaves all over the house.  We could surely make another dog with all that hair.  Now its me.... my hair..... eeks.

So - off to the hairdresser.  Cheryl Nina said she may be able to help and give me an "emergency cut" --- which is what I need right now.  Hope that wig comes in soon -- otherwise it is going to be a hat if I see any spots.  :(

The other thing that is really bothering me right now is my taste buds.  My mouth feels burnt.  Nothing really tastes that good.  I eat for fuel.  I have lost more than 6 pounds to date since diagnosis.  I can't drink wine or any kind of alcohol (I keep trying and it tastes so horrible and gives me HUGE heartburn and a rotting feeling in my gut).  Sad.  I am such a wino (love good wine, wine tastings and visiting vineyards).   My friends are helping and are having drinks for me.  Comment on your favorite wine if you can!  :)

I can't eat anything with pepper, or anything too hot (coffee has to cool down - but I can still drink coffee).  No red onions or fresh garlic.  ALL of it too spicy.  So - I starve.  Kidding.  I have been drinking protein shakes and bread and a very plain, bland diet.  Boring.  Oh well.  Just thought I would share.  :)

The good thing is that I am still running and running pretty strong (maybe not my best, but not so bad).  I am trying to stay on the Training Peaks plan and ran 18 miles today.  I am a little tired, but boy oh boy it felt great to get it in!  I have put my site out there hoping people will sponsor me and make a donation to ACS for my Determination efforts in Chicago.  The date is 10/10/10 ---- which is Schuyler's birthday -- and really very cool date for the marathon this year.  Kristin, who I mentioned earlier has a 10,000 goal.  Not sure I can do that, but maybe $5000 and that will make my Determination donations in the past 1.5 years up to 10K?  Please sponsor me --- any donation counts and is truly appreciated!  :)

Cara Turano (mentioned earlier) from Boston Determination is going to pace me (she can be with me in the Elite corral --- yes I have an elite number because of my past times in the marathon this year -- very cool) and we are going in costume!  I have asked Laurie, my sister to make us Batgirl and Wonder Woman costumes.  It will be a hoot!  It really keeps me motivated and so happy to run.  I ran 2 towns, 10 streets, and listened to 20 songs....  The bike path was full of active people enjoying the day.  :)

Hope you all are enjoying this weekend!  It is beautiful here.  Get out there and enjoy life!  Every minute counts! Say a prayer for me and my family as well as anyone else you know going through a life changing illness --- it isn't always easy.  God is truly watching over all of us.  Photo below was taken in Northampton.

Thanks for stopping by.  Please leave a note if you can!

(Added this below on Monday morning 8/2) 

On the way home last night (Sunday) - Cheryl Nina from Cheryl Nina Salon was so great to have us stop by so she could cut my hair.  We are close to the family as they are Samantha and Stephen's aunt & uncle - and Schuyler loves to hang out with Austin (11) their son who is an amazing soccer player.  She has the cutest little spot in her home for her special clients, and I felt very special with Steve & Schuyler there as I got my hair cut.  I asked her what 8 inches off would be so I could send the hair to Pantene Great Lengths.  She showed me and then we made the plunge.  

Wow - do I look different.  It is hard to see in these photos, but I haven't had my hair short like this in a very long time.  It has been quite long for more than 3 years.  Steve loves it long.....  Anyway, she gave me a stylish cut, just the way she would like her own hair and I think it looks great - so I am sharing a couple pics here on the blog.  :)  yay!  Now when I shed, it will be short hair and hopefully it won't get snarly and come out in handfuls for a little while longer.  :)

Hope you like it too!

Getting Wigged Out - Part 2

We made the appointment for the Pink Petal in South Hadley - home of Mt. Holyoke College - an amazing and beautiful town here in Western Mass, and right around the corner from our house.  Donna was recommended highly by Cheryl Nina Salon (aunt to Stephen & Samantha) and also by Dr. Mullally's office.  You drive up to this shop and it looks like a flower shop --- so beautiful and quaint.  Very "New England".  : )

I was definitely very nervous, this part of the the whole "cancer" thing doesn't make me feel very comfortable, as it is very evident that you have cancer and in chemo when you lose your hair.  Scary.  And while I still have my long hair (longer than it has been in a long time...) I am still in "denial".  Doesn't seem possible.  And when I feel good, I have a hard time remembering that yes, I have cancer, and I am in treatment.  Crazy.

My husband Steve is so incredibly supportive, he has been tight - right by my side every inch of the way.  His undying love is so strong, seems stronger now than ever, if I thought that were possible.... but it is true.  A true caregiver, he gives the strongest meaning to the word.  He holds me, monitors my symptoms, listens to my pains, prays with me, heals with me, loves me so so much.  This experience has brought us even closer than ever - he is an amazing man - dedicated to me each and every moment.  I start with that because I think he really wants me to continue to feel beautiful and like "myself" and knows that with hair that just may be possible.  :)  He looked into the wig opportunity right from the beginning by asking Cheryl and we were secure in the fact that Donna at the Pink Petal was it!  He held my hand as we walked up the steps onto the porch to the shop that was a renovated old home, and gave me a squeeze.  "I know your nervous, it's ok, it's all going to be ok..."  he said with his usual warm and loving smile.

The shop was packed!  Crazy.  There were about 5 women inside shopping --- wigs, clothes, prosthesis, "Save the Tatas tshirts, jewelry... and more.  What a cool shop.  I felt like I had been invited into a "club" - a club of cancer survivors, and most evident breast cancer survivors.  Working for the American Cancer Society, breast cancer is the most common cancer for women, women fighting breast cancer are very passionate and that passion comes out in events like Making Strides Against Breast Cancer - the ACS walk for breast cancer and others like Race for a Cure for Susan Koeman, etc.  That passion to fight breast cancer because it hits so many of our loved ones is just so powerful!  So there we were in the room - I had my 10 am appointment and I was just a little uncomfortable, but looked around at the wigs on the maniquin heads and the scarves and hats.  Donna was behind the counter, a very sweet woman with a really welcoming smile.  She said hello and the other lady got all my information and took my "hair prothesis" prescription.  You can buy one wig and your health insurance will reimburse you up to a certain amount.  Good to know - glad I have insurance, because the wigs range from about $300-900.

Donna brought us into one of her wig rooms -- about 5 shelves line the walls with approximately 30 wigs all around me.  A big mirror and chair as if you are in the beauty salon.  She talks to us about wigs, how they are made and the different brands and a little timeline of what most people experience with hair loss.  I brought up my research from Kathy  -- the tied cap, something to look natural, looking at real hair wigs, etc.

Looking around at the styles and the colors --- i just know that blonde would not look good with my skin coloring, but it was fun to try them on anyway -- all the wigs are on display and they order one after measuring your skull to fit you custom.  We looked at some of the long hair wigs and some short hair, a little red highlights and even some blondes!  :)  Steve laughed, Donna smiled, I thought this was just so crazy -- seeing my head with this odd hair on top --- just weird.  But fun in its own crazy way.  We liked a few of them actually and then Donna showed us this new technology that is more heat resistant now -- a new style just out.  The hair color I tried on was a blonde highlighted light brown.  It was beautiful.  Looked like my style hair and Steve was looking at me thinking and jokingly says "Hmmm -- Hey you wanna go out?  My wife may get mad, but you are gorgeous!" :)
Donna went out and got a brunette of the same long hair style and truly it looked like my hair.  I really liked it. And Steve thought we should get the blonde too --- just for fun --- and so he can go out on a date with that "blonde"  :)

Success!  We looked at the real hair wigs (they are much more expensive and more to upkeep as they are real) = $800 plus. but decided since this is a temporary hair loss from the cancer and hopefully by March I will have some hair back, I was going to go with the synthetic new technology hair -- it looked good and made me feel beautiful.  For running I will wear a cap, a hat hopefully something so it doesn't fly off....  but the wig will be good.  And the blonde one will be fun.

Jeff & Judy think I should go back to the shop when the wig comes in and get my photo with various wigs on my head and people can vote on what they think looks good on me.  :)  Pretty funny, crazy Relay friends I have ---- gotta love them - they are trying to make this fun for me too.

The wig should be in soon - Donna said it takes about 5 days.  Her shop is just awesome, people in there, the customers and the sales lady are so friendly and warm.  So glad we went to the Pink Petal..   More to come on this part of the story....  stay tuned.


Oh ya - side note --- Donna is the Look Good Feel Better coordinator in the area, volunteering for the American Cancer Society.

The Look Good...Feel Better program is a community-based, free, national service. It teaches female cancer patients beauty tips to look better and feel good about how they look during chemotherapy and radiation treatments.

 I asked her if she would show me how to wear scarves and all that the program has to offer for cancer patients and of course she will when I come in again.  Very cool.

I didn't bring my camera in the shop with me that day and will have to go back as I really want to share it with you all.  Such a great place - inviting, warm and welcoming place --- great healing environment and Donna's smile really tops it off.  :)


Me and My "Caregiver"

Getting "Wigged" Out!

Hope you liked my humorous title for the next piece of "treatment" I need to get through.... Finding the perfect wig(s) and how to "dress" my head! I remember the days as an Area Director for the New Hampshire Division of the American Cancer Society and recruiting and working with the hospital and Look Good Feel Better volunteers. What an amazing program -- now going through all this I see that this is one of the most important pieces of support, advice that should be there for women. We are predisposed to being self conscious, and work to look good --- things like shopping, manicures, pedicures and spa day are things you can do to boost your morale and inevitable your psyche and chance for success. So off to the Pink Petal today -- just to check it out on the way home if we aren't in here too late. Then I will make that appointmnet. :)

Here are the notes from my friend Kathy who has had the most and best experience with wigs of anyone I know - so I made the call for her support and guidance.  She just always looks so fabulous!... I first called her to let her know what I was going through and then asked her about her great experience with wigs. Her words of care and sharing of tips was just so good I wanted to share it with all of you and also have it as part of this online journal.

Wig Notes from Kathy:

• Be sure you get some "wig tape" as active as you are.
• Though, you will look great with just a scarf, bandana or cap when you're working out. : )
• Also, as much as you are outside, you may want to look for a full-lace cap -- which basically means the hair is sewn in completely covering the mesh that the entire wig is made from. This way when the wind blows you can't see 'wig rows.' (the rows of elastic that the hair is usually sewn onto).
• Do not be afraid to try on every single wig in the salon.
• First find the style that works for you -- then worry about the exact right color.
• Check the color in natural light against your skin to be sure that it looks natural.

Kathy's story:

Finally, I decided that I needed to get a wig. I loaded up all four children (at the time) and took them with me to the wig shop so that they could be involved in the process. Now, fortunately, we have at least three wig salons here in San Antonio. But, in smaller cities, you may not have the selection you need.

Do not -- I repeat -- do not order your first wig online. Because what you think will look good and what actually works for you are completely different things. If possible, take a trip to a larger city and plan to spend a few hours trying on as many wigs as you need to.

Kathy's 10 Tips - from a blog post a few years ago (below).

1) if you are looking for long hair (which is what I currently have) -- definitely spend the money on real human hair (with the cuticle intact). I tried several long synthetic wigs (even the "new generation" and "heat resistant" synthetics) and they looked great -- for about a month. After that the ends get "knappy" (for lack of a better word) and it gets very, very tangled all the time. The human hair is just like, well, hair. Definitely get "Remy" hair -- which is the quality of hair where the cuticle is still in tact and all the hair is sewn in in the same direction so it falls most naturally.

2) look for wigs with a "monofilament" top -- or in the less expensive wigs, a flesh colored mesh piece -- where the hair parts. These look most natural and really does look like your scalp showing. If you are caucasion -- look for the lighter wig cap. If you are african-american or hispanic/latino -- look for the darker wig cap.

3) you don't have to spend a lot to look great! The wig that I had on in my picture cost $39.99 and I swear I had so many compliments on it -- even women wanting to take my picture so that they could show their sylist what they wanted (it was then that I was very tempted to just take my wig off and ask the lady if she wanted to try it on! But, I didn't want to embarrass my husband.)

4) Benefits of synthetic hair -- wash with any mild shampoo, shake out and let air dry. No styling required. Very easy maintenance.

5) Benefits of human hair -- looks and feels great! Shampoo and style just as you did your own hair.

6) drawbacks of synthetic hair -- Not as durable. Can melt or singe with a sudden blast of heat -- say, from leaning too close when opening the oven. Or if your mother should accidentally wash your hair on extra hot, sanitary setting in the washing machine.

7) drawbacks of human hair -- you have to fix it. If it rains, you have a bad hair day.

8) drawbacks of all wigs -- wind, roller coasters, and water sports create challenges. But, there is double-stick tape for that. : )

9) and finally, the benefits of any and all wigs -- you can always have perfect color and highlights!! I am currently a red-head and it looks amazing with my skin!

10) The very best benefit -- once you get past feeling self-conscious -- is that you look and feel beautiful again!

_________________________________________________________________________

Here are some photos that I love of me -- looking beautiful -- from our Wedding Day in August of 2007. 

Photo of Schuyler before walking across the bridge - I think we were in negotiations here where I promised him ANY lego to make the trip to the altar with me. 

Photo of Steve and I  - Truly - Madly  - Deeply - after the "I Do's"  So in love then and even more in love now.

Photo of me at the reception with my alcoholic celebration drink of choice  - Champagne