The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

In the 2009 season Steve & I took a trip with Dr Marc Read and his wife Eileen and stayed with Harry in Jackson Hole.  It was great because we got to see and spend some time with Suzy Kneeland and her brother Drew and friends.  I truly love that area, the mountains and wildlife are amazing.  I remember the morning right after breakfast watching a mother moose walk right through the front lawn.  The snow was glorious, we took a day trip to Grand Targhee with the crew and got the full affect of enjoying the view of the Grand Tetons.  There is an easy trail down from the top of the high speed quad leading you to these trails respectfully named the Good  - the Bad - and the Ugly.  The trails have meaning to me as I love to ski the steep and gnarly stuff whenever I can.  I remember when I first visited Targhee and having my photo by the Ugly sign. It was a VERY tough trail to ski for me back then... :)  But this time I skied it with strength and ease....  and with my sweetheart who has coached me to be to strive and be the best I can be.

All great memories, with my sweetie and our great friends we meet where ever we go.  So now, that I am "skiing" the steep stuff -- below is my current interpretation of what I am going through...  

Photo below:  Schuyler - J5 race at Willard Mountain 3/2010

The GOOD

So... getting on to the real meaning of my post --- today was a GOOD day!  We went to the doctor for the check up after getting the PET scan yesterday to hear the great news that there is only minimal evidence of cancer in my body.  The spleen is back to normal size, blood count is down below 11 (which isn't so good - but ok)  --- but this is such great news!  The notes from the doctor interpreting the scan was that I am showing TREMENDOUS response to chemotherapy and making great progress.  I am strong.  I am running.  My training is still strong and Chicago is 24 days away!  Laura is making our costumes ---- Wonder Woman will be wearing a red lycra running singlet with WW monogram & a 12 inch circle skirt and a little red cape!  BatGirl will be in all black singlet & skirt with monogram and ears with the cape (of course).  We have our tickets, hotel and can't wait to see Judy & the Fearless Foursome from Boston!  Chicago Here We Come!

The BAD

As of last week, my eyes are all swollen, feels like conjunctivitis with swollen eyelids and sty in each eye.  It isn't conjunctivitis (just a reaction).  They hurt and water up to the point where I can't focus (the computer HURTS! Which is a BAD thing!).  Then this week I broke out in hives all over my body.  Benedryl and more steroids is the help on the way --- but in the meantime I am not a happy camper.  And exhausted (which may be some of the cause here too).  In addition my fingers are feeling that tingling feeling mentioned as a side effect (it hasn't effected anything except perhaps my typing.  :))  The plan is to get more sleep.  

The UGLY

OK - yesterday was a bad day - so bad I started to get ugly (and no I don't have my period).  I headed to the hospital to get my PET scan and just really didn't start in a great mood.  It was 2 days in a row that we missed the bus and Schuyler honestly hasn't been easy to get to bed or get out of bed and it is all just getting to me.  My patience on everything has been wearing thin.  Lots going on at work and pressure has been building --- at the same time I have only been running 2-3 miles a day this week and  it hasn't actually been enough to keep me sane.  Longer is better, believe it!  The tech came out and walked me to the room (left Steve behind -she said there wasn't enough room, although the last time he was allowed in for the first part of the testing).  Then she gave me a hard time for using my iPad and wanted me to stay "quiet" so there wouldn't be any muscle showing on the testing.  The signs in the little closed space were glaring and shared CAUTION, BEWARE, RADIOACTIVE (all unsettling images) and then after she "yelled" at me the second time for sneaking my iPad out - she asked if I wanted music... and then turned on this top 40 crap.  Talk about NOT relaxing music!  I was pretty pissed at her so the next time she came in I told her to turn off the music.  You could say I was a little moody, because she had me in tears.  The last time I was here they left me in that room in the scanner and didn't hear me when I called (I let her know that too -- and she took offense right from the beginning).  I guess this is hard to explain to give you the full effect, but the last piece was when we asked for the CD of the imaging and she asked us to wait.  After 10 minutes I was streaming down tears and wanted to RUN away from that place.  

Needless to say we left before getting the disc.  My patience was wearing thin and at that time my eyes were swollen twice the size from crying so much.  

Then we went to Post Office to send some clothes back that I packed after buying them online and I didn't like them - they are all too big!  :(  So we got there and the guy says that it is going to cost me $10.   Twice as much as it would have cost if I went with the home pick up UPS option.  I was ready to walk and he offered me an envelope could pack and it would be $4.  So I emptied the box repacked it and went to the other lady.  She weighed it and asked for $6.  I told her that I swore he said $3.95 and she snapped "NOT IF IT IS IN A PRIORITY ENVELOPE!" --- I snapped back "YOU DON"T NEED TO BE NASTY!" (my negotiation skills were not kicking in so well today) and gave the cash and walked out crying again!  ARGH ---- Poor Steve..... he had to put up with my inpatience all morning and just gave me a hug.  

I totally needed to go home...  I vented.... I got better.... and then when I got the great news today --- it's all good and I feel great once again.  They say it can be irritation and moods caused by the steroids (Prednisone)....  so watch out! :)

So that is my update --- I have been on a high from all the amazing comments on my video posted below.  It was truly an amazing experience.  I am on a high now from the results of the PET scan. 

Next week I start treatment again on Monday - - meet the new doctor that is going to be handling the Methatrexate portion of my treatment at Baystate on 9/23.  Hoping to have a great weekend on the boat, get in a couple long runs, and maybe a little golf, get my brakes fixed, work on the rock and get ready for Schuyler's birthday.  :)

Sharing a couple of my latest favorite quotes below: 

"I love Tuesdays, almost as much as Wednesdays, better than Mondays, not as good as Thursdays, thinking you can't beat Fridays --- until you hit the WEEKEND! :) Enjoy each and every day!" 

-- Nancy Cook, on Life!

'If you have a task to perform and are vitally interested in it, excited and challenged by it, then you will exert maximum energy. But in the excitement, the pain of fatigue dissipates, and the exuberance of what you hope to achieve overcomes the weariness.'  - Unknown

Thanks for stopping by --- please leave a comment!

Telling my story --- >>> Take 1

Not sure how many may see this post as it is a rehearsal for my presentation on Saturday for those that may be attending the Summit in Springfield....  but for the most part I think I am safe, not knowing the traffic to my site from local Relay leadership.   

This is a practice of my speech --- which really didn't go so well in my mind. 

 But it is a first try, so I hope to get better.  Gotta love Photo Booth!  :)  

I wish I could be just a little funnier.....   :)  I will keep practicing. :)  It was hard to do and honestly I was fighting the tears when I watched it back --- so try try again.

My notes for NEDIV Relay U Closing

Celebrate Birthdays 

Audience Participation =  Fight Back

My 46th Birthday

Lump discovery

Athletic Achievements

Cancer Diagnosis

Hope plus Humor = Healing

Quote:

 "It IS all about HOPE... and once you have HOPE 

you can share HOPE and if you inspire others, they can in turn inspire you."

Losing your Hair

Being Bald

Many Looks  - The Pirate Cap

Don't stop - keep pushing, keep running

Chicago Marathon

"Freakish"

Survivorship

UTC Relay

Caregiver

Quote:

"No one can hold you back from doing all the things you want to do.  Just keep your goals in sight, listen to your body and take one day at a time.  Some days will be better than others, but every day is a blessing. - so make each day the best it can be. "

Playing around with Photo Booth this morning --  some self portraits getting ready for my rehearsal.  :)

  

Methatrexate: Treatment #3

My prescribed treatment is 6 Rounds of RCHOP chemotherapy and every other cycle (2,4,6) is this treatment where I get a treatment of high dose Methatrexate chemotherapy.  Total treatments = 9

To get the proper tests in a timely manner to make crucial clinical decisions the location for my treatment is at Mass Gener‎al for the Methatrexate.  They wanted me to go stay in the hospital overnight, but Steve & I really want to stay with each other all the time so we pushed for outpatient and it was available.  So yesterday and today has been our trip to Boston.  We arrived at 7 AM on Monday, actually an hour early, guess Chad knows we run late!  :)  Armed with all our electronics, computers, Ipads, Ipods, and snacks for 2 long days --- we headed to the room.  LA was our assigned primary nurse.  A very tan vibrant smiley young nurse just back from a vacation in the islands.  :)  It was great to see her bounce around the room with all this energy.  She also is an aerobic instructor!  Makes me smile just thinking about her.  She was so on top of everything and just a joy to talk to -- as you know I love to talk and she listened.... it was great! :)  And she LOVED my veins --- and got the needle with the cute pink color clip in the first time!  She listened to me talk about my running, my crash and more....  :)  She remarked how she can't believe anyone could mess up "sticking" me.  :)  Oh the stories I could tell.....


Quick insert -- the volunteers in their magenta colored coats would come around and check on you periodically.  They were all so sweet and brought food and drinks.  The first man (in his 70's) gave us the intro on the first day and let us know that in a while this 93 year old man volunteer would be by and handing out lollipops, and even if I didn't want one that I really need to listen to his story and have a lollipop.  :)  Well, it was so sweet, this incredibly energetic 93 year old man telling us the story how he had been doing this for more than 20 years, and he found out a long time ago that dry mouth that comes with chemo is best treated with a lollipop.  :)  He was even so nice to pose for a photo.  :)

It was a long day of poison, but don't worry it's safe! --- yes that is what Dr. Barnes said --- we are going to poison you -- keep you hydrated, you hydrate more so the levels are safe for you to leave after the anecdote is given on the second day and you go home!  The drug was a nasty neon yellow.  I was so hydrated from the 2 days of prep and the hospital hydration I had to pee all the time.  AND it was that same nasty neon yellow.
My urine collection was the same color as the drug, so I know it was surely passing through my body.  (Cute eh?)

My inspirational shirt of the day was my Nike Marathon shirt.  I will never forget that marathon --- starting in the dark in San Fransisco, hanging out in the elite tent, and running with more than 20,000 women!  The best part was of course when Steve met me at the finish!  I also wore my Boston marathon jacket from 2010 -- always great to make an impression with a hometown marathon jacket!  :)

 Before lunch, Dr. Barnes stopped in with an intern (a ski racer, so we had a bunch to talk about too) :)  It was great to see and talk to him too.  I love this place.  Well -- wouldn't be here if I didn't have to, but glad I am here because I know I am in the best care possible.  A truly great feeling.  I was a little fuzzy, looking REALLY pale --- but doing ok.  

 I crack myself up sometimes....  When we were leaving and paying at the patient parking window on Fruit Street I go to look for my MGH bracelet for "proof" I am a patient and she says "Don't worry" ---- and I say "OH - the bald head gave it away" --  "I think I am going to start a trend, I think it looks pretty good don't you?"  --- She smiled and looked at Steve "Your husband loves you just the way you are, no matter what!"  We laughed and went to the elevator back to car, funny how the little things make others smile and how smiles are so contagious.  Try to make someone smile today and see how you feel inside.  :)  
But when I left I felt horrible.... like I had been hit by a bus.  Exhausted.  We checked in the Doubletree Bayside in South Boston on the Bay.  Beautiful spot.  I immediately fell asleep when we got back to the hotel. 

 Samantha came to go out to dinner at the Boston Beer Garden.  She is doing so well and it was so great to see her. We went to the Sugar Bowl for dessert and met the owner.  It was so funny, because even as sick as I felt... I started taking photos around and he thought I was from the Globe and going to make him famous.  :)  I took a photo of the group behind the counter.... Steve laughs and says "You collect people"  --- :)  "People love you". 

 It was such a nice compliment to me.  I love him so much.  He amazes me to the point where I often have tears in my eyes.  His love for me is so deep, so real, so true.  I realize that more now, today more than ever.  I AM the luckiest girl in the world.  Thankful for all that my life has to give.  More today - more than ever.

I woke up this morning all swollen -- my eyes, my legs, my feet -- I was 5 pounds heavier than yesterday.  From all that water, hopefully not from the Chicken Pot Pie and Rocky Road ice cream!  :)  Dr. Barnes promised it would go away..... YIKES.  Hated even looking in the mirror, my eyes were almost half shut.  Steve still thinks I am beautiful though.... gotta love that! :)   Steve hates this photo - but it shows just how bad I looked!  We took a walk out to the bay to get some fresh air and I could take some photographs.  It was nice to get outside between the 2 long days.

Day 2 is the Leucovorin the antecdote.  New nurse today -- she is nice, but I didn't see her as much as LA.  At the end she did some "education" so I would know how to handle the side effects and called herself the "Nagging Nurse.    Thinking this is not as scary and complicated as yesterday.  Waiting now for the lab results so we can go home and beat the traffic.  And take a nap in my own bed.  

I love the buttons that Amanda L. sent and had them on my camera bag:  "Chemo Sucks", "Nurses Favorite", "One Tough Chick" and "I love Pain Meds" 

The countdown continues ----  9 treatments total --- 3 treatments down ---- 1/3 of the way there.  Although the beginning of this felt so easy, so normal, now I am beginning to feel drained.  Feeling the "chemo brain" - forgetting things, and just not able to focus like I could before.  Need more sleep and I will try to keep hydrate.
My inspirational attire -- had to wear my 2008 Boston Marathon coat.  When in Boston - wear Boston.  Ask any fan.... Red Sox, Patriots, or Celtics!  :)  Boston is a very proud city.  Full of history, full of life.

Here comes the Nagging Nurse!  "The star patient has now gotten the go ahead" and we are out of here!  

And just to show --- again --- that I always look better with my "twin" -- my perfect match.... my love, and number one fan...

On facebook I was FULL of quotes today ---- they truly helped me through the day --- enjoy! 

"ABILITY is what you are capable of doing. MOTIVATION determines what you do. ATTITUDE determines how you will do it." - Lou Holtz

"We would never learn to be patient or brave if there was only joy in the world." - Helen Keller

"Surround yourself only with those that make you smile. Life is too precious to surround yourself with any negativity of any kind"  - Nancy Cook

Nancy Quotes of Inspiration & Hope! :)

Looking through Lance's quotes ---- I began thinking I should come up with my own....

I went for my trail run today and hit my head.  I thought I should write down some of my thoughts and put them in quote form.  Funny how a knock on the head makes you think....   It was a great exercise once I got into it and came up with six great quotes.  

 Always remember to keep your eyes forward, lift your feet up, and duck when you have to..... 

and if you fall... roll with it, stand up and do all you can to keep going, 

because no one is in a better place to help YOU than YOU. 

 - Nancy Cook - on trail running, cancer survivorship and life

 You can believe it that strength & beauty come from within -- 

just imagine yourself completely bald, with heartburn, throwing up 

and thanking God for yet another glorious day of life. 

 - Nancy Cook - on cancer survivorship

Get up in the morning, check the state of your body, choose your attitude, 

put one foot in front of the other and get it done - live life each and every day.  

- Nancy Cook - on running, cancer survivorship, and life

 If you can do it, do it,  If you think you can't, you won't.  

Be strong, set your plan, make the commitment,
because only you have the power to meet your goals 

whatever they may be. 

- Nancy Cook on running, cancer survivorship and life

 No one can hold you back from doing all that you want to do.  

Just keep your goals in sight, listen to your body, and take one day at a time.  

Some days will be better than others -- but every day is blessing,
so make each day the best it can be.

- Nancy Cook on running, cancer survivorship and life

When and if you do get lost, find your center, 

look around and find the highest point, keep it in sight, reach for it each day,  

and don't forget to breathe.  

You will find your way when you have faith.

- Nancy Cook on running, life and cancer survivorship

Trail running is like any obstacle in life- 

you need intense focus and extra push to jump over the rocks, sticks, 

and get through the mud to beat it.  

- Nancy Cook - on trail running, cancer survivorship and life

I hope you like these as much as I do --- Please leave a comment if you stop by.  Here is the photo of the day!  My Mom & sister Laura came to visit from Northern Vermont and they got to see me ski!  It was a glorious day.  I love my life.  :)

Thanks for stopping by!

It's NOT about the shoes.... or the skis.... or the bike...

Have you read Lance Armstrong's book "It's Not About the Bike?"  --- I read it back in my bike racing days (Cat 4-5 in Killington in the 90's).  If you haven't you should.  It is really inspirational his journey with testicular cancer and all of his challenges that he overcame throughout that time in his life.  I didn't know then what I know now - about what it is like to have such a challenge in your life, although everyone can relate to his story and feel it.  The lesson I have learned now going through this "cancer" is that it isn't about what shoes you have on your feet (although my Nikes rock!  and my new Inov-8 trail racing flats are amazing!), and it isn't about the skis (I really really want some World Cup Slalom Rossi's --- I know I will ski better!) and it isn't about the bike (my mountain bike is just wrecked - in the garage and barely makes it to the bottom of the driveway).  It is about your heart, your will, your desire and your determination to be what you want to be and accomplish all that you want to in your heart.


My favorite Lance Quotes below:   (these have been a great sense of strength for me)  


"Pain is temporary. It may last a minute, or an hour, or a day, or a year, but eventually it will subside and something else will take its place. If I quit, however, it lasts forever. That surrender, even the smallest act of giving up, stays with me. So when I feel like quitting, I ask myself, which would I rather live with?"
— Lance Armstrong (It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life)


"What ever your 100% looks like, give it."
— Lance Armstrong


"This is my body, and I can do whatever I want to it. I can push it; Study it; Tweak it; Listen to it. Everybody wants to know what I am on. What am I on? I am on my bike busting my ass six hours a day; What are YOU on?"
— Lance Armstrong


"What is stronger, fear or hope?"
— Lance Armstrong (It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life)


"Knowledge is power, community is strength and positive attitude is everything"
— Lance Armstrong


"For most of my life I had operated under a simple schematic of winning and losing, but cancer was teaching me a tolerance for ambiguities."
— Lance Armstrong (It's Not About the Bike: My Journey Back to Life)


With that said --- I am training for the Chicago marathon - 53 days and counting....  Being diagnosed in the middle of setting this goal to run Chicago made me think maybe I shouldn't run.  My athletic history is on the sidebar here --- and this will be my 27th marathon and my 4th in less than 2 years....  When I was diagnosed, I was in the best shape of my entire life, running faster than ever in my masters.  Completely on a runner's HIGH.  My mileage for those  2 weeks was really low, with the sick feeling of that lump in my stomach and the stress of not knowing what was wrong... but then when we talked to Dr. Barnes & Dr. Mullally --- I had so much hope, that it is truly possible to "finish".  Maybe not my best marathon (at this point  a 3:05 is pretty hard to beat!) - but I could still do it.  Just listen to your body & rest when you need to.  Yesterday knocked me over --- flat on my bad, achy, chills, headaches, fever, back pain, dehydration, blurry vision --- it had me in tears.  I haven't felt that bad -----ever.  At least that I can remember.   What to do? Rehydration, tylenol, rest & meditation and a lot of prayer (thanks everyone)....

And now - I feel better today.
Ran this morning.
Feeling on the "upswing"

Last week we hosted these 2 - 21 year old coaches from England for Schuyler's Challenger Soccer Camp in Amherst.  I was nervous and Steve wasn't sure we should take on the extra burden, especially since it fell within "treatment week" - but I pushed and thought it would be a good distraction, great for Schuyler and some good energy to have at the house.  We showed up on that Sunday to pick up a coach, ended up hosting 2 coaches (Matt & Dom) and had an amazing week.  I had a great routine going to get their breakfast & lunch stuff out in the morning - and then dinners each night.  It was so fun for Schuyler!  We got out on the boat twice and included Coach Marian from Brazil.  What a great week.  :)  Here is a link to some of my fave tubing shots for a "hair flip" post on my other blog.  And they got used to me "bald" with my hat on and switching back & forth to my blonde "look" too.  :)  I wore my bathing cap on the boat - boasting my Olympic Medalist look.  :)  Here are some "ME" shots from our adventures on the boat (the ski photos Samantha took 2 weeks ago)....

Tshirt Sayings of Empowerment & Strength

Thanks for stopping by and checking in.... I am doing much better this morning, last night was rough.  Schuyler had a tough reaction to my wig and lack of hair.  He really wanted me to hang on to that short tuff of hair (that was FALLING out and was too much for me to manage).  We calmed him down, let him cried, cried with him a little and talked to him about when the hair will come back and that we can get a wig that will help mommy look like mommy again. He wasn't so keen on the blonde wig.  But I explained to him it could be so much worse, I could feel really sick.  I could be incapacitated and not be able to do the things I love to do.  But it is tough not having hair, I don't want to look "sick" - I want to be normal.  Having no hair is not normal.  But --- the new "hair" is fun in its own way --- I just need to get used to it.  I am ordering some beanies from Road Runner sports that will help being able to wear hats  - - and hopefully bring a little more normalcy to the house.  Be strong - it won't be long....  I will have hair again.  I just need a little strength sometimes, and prayers, and need to cry, just to get it out......  and keep healing.

Back to something fun....

Here is another post from the Pink Petal and there will be a few more to come.... but this is dedicated to all the tshirts that Donna has on sale at the Pink Petal.  I smiled, felt empowered, felt warmth and felt strong as I looked at all she had to offer.  I love to take photos of fun and empowering shirts on my other blog,(LINK HERE TO Tshirt sayings on Mountain of Dreams) and thought how cool it would be to share with you all these shirts and what they have to say about fighting cancer and have some fun with it!  A little humor goes a LONG way.  These shirts have been worn at senior centers, shopping malls, Relay For Life events and just give the battle a whole new look!

Mostly these are for females & breast cancer survivors, but they have such a strong message!  Please leave a comment and tell me which one is YOUR favorite?  :)

Enjoy!  :)  And smile!  :)